Holding onto my bad Habits (Poetry)

 

I hold onto my bad habits because I fear I am loosing my self. What used to bring me so much joy is now mundane and nostalgic. Nostalgia should hit after so many years but it has only been a few months. Were you just a phase, I would hope I am better than that, Better than to just play with my toys and than throw them out. You deserve better than that, you were stable and comforting, you gave me a reason and creative drive. Now I just sit here day after boring day holding onto the worse parts of what we had rather than re-kindling or finding joy in something new about you. To say first and worse would be a lie, First and best is more fitting, it may not slide off my tongue like you could but we could always repeat until we get it right. You couldn't bear to see me keeping my bad habits but it takes me back not to the best of times but times none the less. Am I so infatuated that even the worse memories are peaceful day dreams. I used to day dream of you at the waist of my jeans, now all I can manage is you hunched over a coffee the day after regretting the night before. Do you regret me or just the physical wear, of course my first thought is that I am always the issue but I never ask so I guess I am. Mabey it was just a fad a temporary reliever for the mundanity of everything around me you are very interesting after all, and you no doubt made me who I am. I guess all we truly are is hot, wet and Sufferable. 

12/28/24

11:40 pm

Note: This is about me falling out of touch with a number of things mainly My Chemical Romance Fall Out Boy and the whole "emo" scene/community/lifestyle. In the time that I have been inactive I cut my emo hair really short and bleached it, now I spike it. I haven't been listening to music as much as I usually would and now I listen to more 80's hardcore punk than MCR and FOB, I know that my interests tend to come in random spurs that will last a few months fade than come back stronger in another few months but ever since that end of summer I had been really lacking any creativity. School is sapping me and I am practicing my bass a lot more which I am proud of and look to continue, but school is draining me and soon enough because Trump is back in office there is going to be nothing to look foreword to in school at all, all my friends are leaving cause they are seniors and soon enough public school will be run by Christian nationalists (I live in Florida) I know I am yapping but the point is I am Getting into bad habits from my "past" (like 5 months ago) like getting nearly high off of caffeine and now I have picked up smoking (they are weird fakes with no nicotine of tobacco but nonetheless) but I am not getting back into creativity which is my main "strength" and comfort. (am I fluent in Yappanese yet) and then I made those feelings into a person and indirectly wrote to them (I have a method but I don't truly know what it is)