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The Biggest Mistakes Will Follow You To The Grave

  6/6/25 10:50pm There's a film around everything, it sits in the air thick and sour and it clogs my throat  It stays in the air forever once it's there the fragments will always remain no matter what you do to clear it Just how you can tell if someone smokes by the way their house smells and how it will haunt whoever lives there next The smallest mistakes will always follow you for generations  But the biggest will follow you to the grave You were doomed from the start but told to be better You crave but don't know what Your quick to hit but quicker to be hit you never start it but you sure as shit escalate it further than it should be Grappling for a cure to an ailment you don't know Your pulling and pulling and pulling yourself down Stop while you still can Note. I started this out with the same opener as my last "work" because it was stupid and I felt I could make a better version so what was once about boredom and jacking off turned into Fetal alcohol syn...
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Feeling The Motions

  5/30/25 10:20 pm  Sitting here doing nothing covered in sweat   I fell sticky and I smell like a cigarette  I could get up but I'm too lazy  It's been a day and I'm already crazy  I have no stimulation  I need to feel some motion   Someone get me some lotion   however many hours I've just been staring at my ceiling  It's been too long  just yanking on my schlong  I've lost all feeling   my brain needs some healing  I've got to get someone kneeling  Drag me from this chair  get me out of my lair  I have no motivation   It's turning into aggravation  I've got to get some air   Note.  Summer started yesterday and I'm already bored, I don't have the balls to call up my friends to hang out for some reason. I'm feeling manic and obviously this is about jorkin it and it's hot as fuck in my room cause the insulation sucks.   I've been listening to a ...
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I Need You Like A Cigarette

  I need you like a cigarette burning and sharp. I want to fill you like a cigarette entirely so deep that when I leave you can still feel me. I left my mark I've got all this tingling in my skull and but none in my fingers I need to feel you thinking just isn't enough I need you in my mouth your essence flowing through my veins and making my heart beat Your not like a drug, you are I know your bad for me but I love the way you hurt me I want to feel my alveoli bursting when I'm with you I want to be the smoke flowing off the curl of your mouth drifting up your face off your lashes and sticking to your hair you can't get me out and the smell will remind you I was there Then I will need you all over again 5/25/25 11:39 pm Note: This is about me craving a cigarette
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Grey

  Am I the boy with no heart? I can't fall in love, I've yet to try but I assume that's not something that you need to try to do. I thought oh as soon as they start using my name in a sentence it's over. But it's not. Every time I imagine it it's grey. I want to be the smoke drifting off the curl of you lips but I can't stand the smell. I want to be the sheets on your bed, dirty and a bit darker than when I was first bought, thrown on right after buying, you were too excited to wash me. I have a bit of a sour smell from accumulated sweat but your used to it. Throw me out or wash me.  I could just be a symptom of romanticism holding it out for the perfect person but never being content. I'm just an under confident egoist. Note: I was just checking LJ and saw I had a draft (it was up to "But it's not") this is sort of true (I lied about disliking the smell of cigarettes)I feel like I can't fall in love but i also want to, its probably som...
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I Have Every Right to be Miserable

I Have Every Right to be Miserable  Just counting my minutes until I can leave, do I just hate this place or is it something more. Day by day I feel like I am just doing things as a means to an end rather than for any type of enjoyment. Just getting the hard shit done so I can live easy, but I know it can never be that way. This will probably be as easy as it gets and I'm sitting here on my floor sharing my misery despite my privilege. These "episodes" are probably more of a disposition rather than an effect of a bad childhood the worst that happened was my mother making everything into a fight. I have every right to be miserable but why, it's probably because I have nothing else to do. When I'm bored I just find a new way to make myself miserable for entertainment. I guess feeling something is better than feeling nothing. 1/4/25 11:39 pm Note. This is about me hating my job and  possibly  having depression (I think I'm just bored) trying to get school and bor...
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I want a summer fling

  This is probably the worst way to have your first relationship, spending a month or two infatuated than spending the rest of your life apart or awkward friends. It will be the best time you ever had and you won't know it until years later when your yearning for that same feeling, looking at their sunburnt skin so dearly, walking around town trying to find anything to entertain each other for a few minutes, sweating in the sweltering heat, trying to find someplace mostly private, that weird nostalgia on the fourth of July as you run with them to find someplace more fitting to celebrate. I know it can never end well it will always end up tearing something deep within me that I will always feel but never be able to find. I just want someone to spend my summer with and than forget that intimacy when it all ends. This could all just be my lack of ability to hold onto something meaningful or feelings of inadequacies, I don't recall ever wanting more from someone than just a few mon...
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Holding onto my bad Habits (Poetry)

  I hold onto my bad habits because I fear I am loosing my self. What used to bring me so much joy is now mundane and nostalgic. Nostalgia should hit after so many years but it has only been a few months. Were you just a phase, I would hope I am better than that, Better than to just play with my toys and than throw them out. You deserve better than that, you were stable and comforting, you gave me a reason and creative drive. Now I just sit here day after boring day holding onto the worse parts of what we had rather than re-kindling or finding joy in something new about you. To say first and worse would be a lie, First and best is more fitting, it may not slide off my tongue like you could but we could always repeat until we get it right. You couldn't bear to see me keeping my bad habits but it takes me back not to the best of times but times none the less. Am I so infatuated that even the worse memories are peaceful day dreams. I used to day dream of you at the waist of my jeans, ...
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